Tuesday, August 2, 2011

That's it! No More/Zucchini

Take whichever title you want. "That's it! No More" means I'm done doing our vacation because I don't feel like it. "Zucchini" means this report I wrote on zucchini the other day:

Zucchini is Nasty: The Assortment of Works

Chapter 1: The Story (Writing)

            As soon as Grandma suggested the creation of zucchini bread, I knew I had been sucked into an inescapable trap. I answered her questions, carefully wording my responses, trying to avoid having to be stuck with the prospect of having to eat zucchini bread. I succeeded, but what I got instead was the next worst thing. I was forced to eat one of the most unappetizing excuses for a food that has ever crawled the face of the earth.

            I broke off a tiny piece of the forsaken vegetable (no way that thing is a fruit), and placed it in my mouth. As soon as its smooth but horrid texture hit my tongue, I wanted to rip out my throat and throw it out the window, zucchini and all. But somehow, I pulled through and conquered the first bite. I proceeded to slowly break my small piece into smaller bits and eat them, having to go through the raw torture every time.

            If my chunk of zucchini I was given would have been any bigger, I wouldn’t have made it out of there alive. The only way someone could hold down an entire zucchini would be if their tongue was burnt raw and the nerves to their mouth were ripped into shreds.

            After I had finished off the horrid, accursed thing, I queasily stumbled over to the computer to type this story, joyous that I had made it out alive, but too tortured to celebrate.

Chapter 2: Describing Zucchini (Writing)

            Zucchini is an unacceptable pile of disgusting ooze wrapped together, condensed, and hardened into an atrocious seed of eternal agony. Once the seed is planted, every cell in the forsaken body of the seed multiplies hundredfold, each stream of intense torture being wrapped around each other until they are just a tangle of miserable hurt. Eating zucchini sends you into a maelstrom of dark wind rushing through your body, threatening to tear you apart from the inside. The goose bumps that appear on your skin multiply and grow until they are the size of pumpkins. It feels like snakes and leeches are swarming near your skin, trying to escape the flies that develop in your stomach.

            Eating zucchini is a traditional form of suicide. As soon as it touches your tongue, your mouth implodes, forcing you to swallow the cursed thing. As it oozes down your throat, it causes your neck to constrict around it, twisting you into an extremely uncomfortable position. As the evil vegetable (fruit?) crashes into your stomach, it bursts into flames, causing a chemical reaction with your stomach acids that eat away past your flesh and burn your bones. Finally, as your organs are being devoured, all that remains is your skin and the zucchini on the inside. Your eyes were eaten, your bones were eaten. All that remains is a shell of skin, a shell of skin that collapsed on the floor.

            Due to the awful side effects of eating zucchini (burning, ripping, swelling, developing maggots inside of you, imploding, constricting, exploding, devouring, dissolving, destroying, etc.), it is generally not a good idea to eat it.

Chapter 3: How I Honestly Feel (Writing)

            I honestly feel that zucchini is not something I should be eating. Putting it into bread is even worse, and—

            “Oh, please! You can’t even taste it!”

            —and I don’t think that is an acceptable reason as (A) You would only put zucchini into bread if you like it, therefore, you would want to taste it, and (B) If you don’t taste it, why even put it in?

            “Uh, well, I, um…”

            Exactly. Zucchini should not even be considered a food. I HONESTLY FEEL THIS. And, technically, you must agree with me, even if you have your own opinion, because if you didn’t, it would be like saying “No, you aren’t cold! Get over here!” You can decide your own opinion, but you must accept mine.

Chapter 4: Zucchini is Stinky (Poem)


Is stinky

Even worse than


(Because there’s probably nothing wrong with that!)

It’s awful

Have a waffle

But zucchini isn’t lawful

It is worse than a hairy sewer rat

I have one

It’s quite fun

And it must weigh

A ton

I got it on this game that I have


I thinky

Is worse than

Sewers (stinky)

Zucchini is what I really want to stab

Why make it?

Why bake it?

And why would you

Guys fake it?

And tell me that it is banana bread?

That is mean

And it seems

That you are not

On my team

Unless you say what it really is instead


Now today

Get rid of it all


Because it is really bad stuff

Say bye-bye

I won’t cry

I’d rather eat pump—

—kin pie!

This is the end of the poem and I can’t think of a good rhyme for stuff so that’s IIIIIIIIT!

Chapter 5: Conclusions (Song)

As this report comes to a close…

I hope you know…

That zucchini is awful!
Really, really bad!
And it makes Trystan

Really, really, sad.

Don’t give it to him

Plain or in bread.

Because (you never know)

It could make him dead!

Stay away from the stuff!
Fruit, vegetable, whatever!

Because it’s still zucchini!

(Mia wanted to say “Heather”)

It’s horrendous, so terrible!

Blah blah blah!
You know, if you really want to know more, re-read this report.


(Though zucchini is a heck of a lot better than pizza!)

1 comment: